Inside

Feelings that describe me right now are, worthless, un-loved, hurting, betrayed, lonely, used, ugly, fat, not good enough and so many more feelings. It feels like my brain just can't shut it self off. It has to keep making me remember all the happenings of the lies, betrayal, hurt and discoveries. Then it plays these real life situations over and over in my head as well as other scenarios. If only there were an off switch to my brain.

As if what i already know isn't enough, my brain wants to know more and more of the insane goings on behind my back.  Isn’t what i already know enough?  Sometimes i agree with that old saying, “What you don’t know, can’t hurt you”.  But when i really think about it, it can not only hurt me but also take my life.  Why or more importantly how can and do people lie to one another so easily?  How do they live one life while they are away from you at work, let’s say and then come home and be a totally different person?  It just baffles me.

  What makes even less sense to me is how someone can keep doing the act and still lie about it even after they are found out, and have admitted to doing it and promising to stop!  I am no detective by any means but I do have some skills and a little common sense and find out a lot of things in a little time, things i wish weren't there in the first place, to find.  Single is probably a great thing to be when you just can’t stop doing things that should only be done by someone who is not involved in a relationship.  And what’s my excuse for still being in this relationship lie of a union?  At this point, I have no answer.  I know I need to find an answer, and find it fast.  Addiction…..I hate the word.  It has such a huge variety of meanings.  Drug addiction, Alcohol addiction, cutting addiction, and on and on.  These are all very bad for not only the person who is addicted but also the person who loves the addicted, is married to them, dating them, or is a child or family member of them.  I am definitely no stranger to addicted people in my life.  I have had a few alcoholic’s in my life as well as a few drug addicts.  Now I have the newly talked about addiction in my life, sex/porn addiction.  And just let me tell you this is defiantly a different addiction all on its own.    RATED X

It makes me feel totally betrayed, lies upon lies, and who knows what to believe.  I am not even sure what the worst part of this is because there are so many feelings coming at me all at once.  Hopefully, I will get some answers by blogging and also by meeting with a counselor and deciding where my life path will lead me next.