It Wasn’t My Choice

It just isn’t fair when someone else makes choices for your life without you even knowing there was a choice being made.  How does anyone decide that it’s okay to make choices that can effect another person without their knowledge?  How do they rationalize it?  Maybe they don’t even give it a thought?  Maybe the lying comes naturally to the cheaters and sex addicted?  Don’t they ever feel bad that they could be not only hurting someone but also giving them a disease?  Why be in a relationship with someone if you have the need to talk, text, email and actually touch another person?  Being single is an option that doesn’t hurt someone else.  Even just being honest in your life with yourself is what should matter.  Living a double life is harder than living a true honest life.  Being honest with yourself and others is what makes your soul free.  Why live in a dark lonely place where lies and deceit are a daily part of your life?  Eventually you will be “found out”!  The you hurt those you say you love.  There is way too much of this crap going on in the world today.  Sex, Lies, Cheating, Porn, etc., are everywhere and things are going on behind many trusting and loving peoples backs and they are devastated when the truth surfaces.  I don’t choose to have this life.  I would not choose to live with someone who chooses that kind of life.  I want someone who lives honestly and doesn’t need to live in the dark and have a double life.  Honesty, love, truth, caring, and being there, that's what I want…..that’s MY choice!

Nobody is worth Your Tears

1. Girls.. nobody is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry
2. You are not in love until the other person loves you back
3. Sometimes I just need you to hug me and tell me you'll always be there
4. I don't know when I stopped being worth the truth, but right about then you stopped being worth my time
5. I may act like kid but atleast when I say 'I LOVE YOU', i mean it. Want to know why? Coz kids don't lie :)
6. The best thing in life can never be kept. They must be given away: A Smile, A Kiss and Love
7. Anything is valuable only in 2 situations: First -Before getting it; Second - After loosing it.
8. Usually the ones we love the most are the ones we hurt the most
9. The best way to avoid disappointment, is to not expect anything from anyone
10. Sometimes someone has to walk out of your life, for someone better to walk in
11. You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have
12. A real man ends a relationship before he starts fooling around
13. God wouldn’t let anyone out of your life who was pertinent to His plans for your future
14. No one can cheat you until you let them

I Wanted You...

I wanted YOU to be the ONE who was different from all the rest.
I wanted YOU to be the ONE who wanted only ME.
I wanted YOU to be the ONE I knew was there for ME.
I wanted YOU to love only ME.
I wanted YOU to hold ME and tell ME everything would be alright.
I wanted YOU to miss ME all day when YOU were at work.
I wanted YOU to come home and kiss ME.
I wanted YOU to be MY hero.
I wanted YOU to tell ME all your hopes and dreams and even your secrets.
I wanted YOU to never hurt ME.
I wanted YOU to never want to sleep without ME by your side.
I wanted YOU to be MY best friend.
I wanted YOU to sing to ME when YOU were happy.
I wanted YOU to cry on MY shoulder if YOU were sad.
I wanted YOU to be MY "Dream Come True".
I wanted YOU to only see ME in your eyes when you looked for love.
I wanted YOU to tell ME you were sorry for making ME cry.
I wanted YOU to kiss MY tears away.
I wanted YOU to desire only ME.
I wanted YOU to tell ME I was enough for YOU.
I wanted YOU to know how much I loved YOU.
I wanted YOU and only YOU to make love to ME.
I wanted YOU to hold MY hand.
I wanted YOU to be the one I grew old with.
I just wanted YOU.....

Inside

Feelings that describe me right now are, worthless, un-loved, hurting, betrayed, lonely, used, ugly, fat, not good enough and so many more feelings. It feels like my brain just can't shut it self off. It has to keep making me remember all the happenings of the lies, betrayal, hurt and discoveries. Then it plays these real life situations over and over in my head as well as other scenarios. If only there were an off switch to my brain.

As if what i already know isn't enough, my brain wants to know more and more of the insane goings on behind my back.  Isn’t what i already know enough?  Sometimes i agree with that old saying, “What you don’t know, can’t hurt you”.  But when i really think about it, it can not only hurt me but also take my life.  Why or more importantly how can and do people lie to one another so easily?  How do they live one life while they are away from you at work, let’s say and then come home and be a totally different person?  It just baffles me.

  What makes even less sense to me is how someone can keep doing the act and still lie about it even after they are found out, and have admitted to doing it and promising to stop!  I am no detective by any means but I do have some skills and a little common sense and find out a lot of things in a little time, things i wish weren't there in the first place, to find.  Single is probably a great thing to be when you just can’t stop doing things that should only be done by someone who is not involved in a relationship.  And what’s my excuse for still being in this relationship lie of a union?  At this point, I have no answer.  I know I need to find an answer, and find it fast.  Addiction…..I hate the word.  It has such a huge variety of meanings.  Drug addiction, Alcohol addiction, cutting addiction, and on and on.  These are all very bad for not only the person who is addicted but also the person who loves the addicted, is married to them, dating them, or is a child or family member of them.  I am definitely no stranger to addicted people in my life.  I have had a few alcoholic’s in my life as well as a few drug addicts.  Now I have the newly talked about addiction in my life, sex/porn addiction.  And just let me tell you this is defiantly a different addiction all on its own.    RATED X

It makes me feel totally betrayed, lies upon lies, and who knows what to believe.  I am not even sure what the worst part of this is because there are so many feelings coming at me all at once.  Hopefully, I will get some answers by blogging and also by meeting with a counselor and deciding where my life path will lead me next. 

Is It Me?

I can't breathe
This can't be happening to me
Was everything we had just a lie?
I believed while you deceived me
Faithful while my love was being violated
Nothing is the same
Nothing to hold on to
Where's the man I knew a day ago?
Is it me?
What did I do?
Am I not enough for you?
Is it me?
Was I wrong?
I believed our love was strong
Is it me?
I feel sick
Has it really come to this?
Didn't what we have mean anything?
You lied to me while you lay with me
What am I supposed to do with all the dreams you shattered?
How could you do this to me?!
I can tell you're sorry
Don't touch me! I need you to hold me
Who's going to comfort me now? Who's going to comfort me now?
You disgust me I know this isn't like you
It's over between us I hope you still love me
I hate you! I hate that I need you! Only God can save us
Only God can save us
Is it me?

Words & Music by John Mandeville & Steve Siler
© 2005 Silerland Music (Administered by the Copyright Company) ASCAP / Lifestyle of Worship BMI